But I am not an English Native Speaker...

... That is the voice that haunted me for years.

Having been born and raised in Malaysia, I started learning English at the age of 9. I considered myself as rather fluent in the language until...

Well, until I was surrounded by native English speakers.

A GUEST PIECE BY SIN YEE KERK.

I was hired as a research editor in a multinational company to conduct investigative research in Chinese, Malay, and English. After some time, I was promoted to a managerial position where I led a team of research editors, who were English native speakers and non-native speakers with native level of English and excellent writing skills. I did not have any managerial experience prior to that, and that was in fact the first role that I’ve held which did not specifically require my Chinese language skills. My responsibilities as a team manager included quality and performance management, team building, recruitment, training, and staff development. Part of the quality management area was to proofread the work produced by my team to ensure that they were accurate and well-presented. In other words, they had to be free of any grammar or spelling mistake.

I was very fortunate to be working with a wonderful team. However, as a young and inexperienced new manager, as well as the only Asian representative among the managers in our Spain-based office, I was facing a lot of self-doubt. My introverted and shy nature was not helpful at all.

“... But I am not an English native speaker.”

The voice was loud and clear in my head. Who was I to lead a team who were more competent than I was? How would I be able to proofread their work when their English was clearly better than mine?

I was suffering from impostor syndrome. For months, I was being very cautious when I spoke in a meeting, when I presented to a group, when I shared my opinions, when I sent an email... I was terrified of making stupid mistakes. I was afraid of not pronouncing certain words perfectly, not using certain phrases or grammar correctly, and not understanding some people’s accent. The more self-conscious I was, the more nervous I became. I doubted that my manager had selected the wrong person as in my mind, there were clearly many others who were more capable than I was. I thought I should leave the job before everyone noticed that I was not good enough for it. I even gave myself a six months’ time and secretly planned on leaving if I were not able to do well.

But I did not. With the great support of my manager and colleagues, things became much better after some time. I built a good relationship with my team. It turned out that I had no issue with proofreading their work. I was speaking up in meetings more and more, and I could understand everyone’s accent just as they could understand mine. I finally believed in myself, that I was good enough for that role, that my self-made limitation of being non- native speaker did not matter as much as I believed.

I thought that was the end of the era of “... but I am not an English native speaker”.

Well, I thought so.

Three years later, I left my job and moved to Ireland to pursue a full-time master’s program in positive psychology and coaching. I was surrounded by a group of friendly and supportive classmates, yet I could not help noticing- that I was the only non-native English speaker in the class. Initially, I struggled to understand some people’s accent and choice of words, especially when they were chatting excitedly in a group. The classes were very interactive and involved a lot of coaching practices with my peers. As if that was not scary enough, I also volunteered as a coach at the Career Services Centre in the university to support other students in preparing for their interviews.

“... But I am not an English native speaker.”

The familiar voice came to me once again.

Coaching involves powerful questioning, active listening, and reflecting. It is not an easy subject to learn by itself, how could I do this well in a language that I do not speak perfectly? What if I could not understand my coachees? Would I have the right wording? What if I could not phrase my question properly?

“Hey, haven’t I proved myself enough in the past? Why are YOU here again?”

A different voice in me showed up.

That was the moment when I realised how hard I had been on myself. I was constantly trying to prove myself, to perform, to be good enough. I was so focused on what I was lacking to the extent that I forgot about how far I had come on the journey.

It was also in that moment when I realised that I had to take a different approach, as I was obsessed with something I could not change. I could always improve my English, but I was never going to become a native speaker no matter how hard I try. I could, however, change my narrative to a more appreciative and compassionate one: I value myself for being proficient in English in addition to being a native Mandarin speaker who is also fluent in Malay.

1. I acknowledge the effort I have put into mastering this language.

2. I appreciate my achievement today of being able to communicate well in English, especially when I look back to the beginning of this journey and be reminded of the 9-year-old who was trying to learn basic vocabulary words and form simple sentences.

3. I honour myself for who I am, my way of being, my values and strengths, my wisdom, my knowledge and skills, the experiences, perspectives, and stories I carry along with me. I am far more than just the languages I speak and write.

4. I am grateful that despite not being a native English speaker, my proficiency in the language has been good enough for me. It has opened a door for me to a different world, different perspectives, many beautiful friendships and conversations I have had.

5. The shift in my narrative has softened my heart. It reminded me that being non-native English speaker should not be a barrier that limits myself from achieving my goals in academia, career or life. In fact, it is not be a barrier, except when I allow it to be.

MY DEAR NON-NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS,

if any of my experience resonates with you, you have come a long, long way. You should be proud of yourself. I hope that you would take time to acknowledge yourself and pay attention to the narratives you carry about yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Whenever you say, “I can’t ___ because ___”, I hope you take a pause and examine whether this is a fact or an opinion.

AND TO MY DEAR ENGLISH NATIVE SPEAKERS,

I hope you recognise the privilege and power that you hold, and that you continue to be supportive and kind to your peers who are working on improving their language or self-belief.

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ABOUT OUR GUEST CONTRIBUTOR: SIN YEE KERK

Sin Yee is a coach who supports individuals in discovering and developing their strengths, to step into their courage zone, and live lives to the fullest potential. She has recently completed a master’s program in Applied Psychology (Positive and Coaching Psychology) from University College Cork in Ireland.